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Poetry: Prelude to "Landscape with the Fall of Icarus" by William Carlos Williams

Prelude to Landscape with the Fall of Icarus by William Carlos Williams

It is flight
Quite literally
For he flees from his prison-maze
By the air, by the wind
Inviegling him further
Surging, pushing beneath
His wings

Feathers and wax and membranous paper
Carrying him skyward
To alternate
Heights amongst the clouds
With sprawling cities
And trees blistered, towering
Now mere dots in the earth below him
And he above them all
A Colossus shining

It is empowering
A whooshing, swishing
Breeze in the brain
Dizzied by the effulgence of sun
And he feels
What those clamorers of
Exclaim with tongues

Icarus glides behind him
(he thinks)
But when he turns to catch
A glimpse
There he is, above and far
Suspended in stinging smoke
Body arching, bent
Head towards toes
Horrifyingly graceful
Flaming wings already
Swooping into a
Razor-sharp descent

And Daedalus poised
(fingers outstretched,
collapsing in on their
latent reach)
Heart sinking with his son
(His screams flailing)
And neither quiet prayer
Nor sudden dive
Can save him

Not my best poem in terms of word usage, but for some reason, I'm kind of attached to it. However, critique is highly appreciated since I really don't have anyone to do so in real life. Merci!

Inspired by How Icarus Drowns by the one and only noldo_, who is really too good for words. ;)
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This is too wordy, was my initial thought.

My second: It has a lot of potential.

I know it is hard to write poetry after prose--the style in prose is longer, and one tend to expand longer on a part than what is really neccessary in poetry.

My suggestion for further revisions is, mainly, that you should try to comprise this piece. What can be cut shorter, more poignant? What can tell more in less words, but yet be as stirring?

For instnance, I like the directness with this: And he above them all
A Colossus shining.

It reads like poetry. Like proper poetry. It's got it's unique simplicity, and the enjambment works beautifully.

There are also a lot of great sonically sounding sentences, but unfortunately they often get lost beneath too wordy sentences.

I'll get back to this later--my father's yelling at me for getting off the comp--but:

3 keysentences. Comprise. Shorten. Keep the poem's skeletons, remove the overly wordy sentences.

Good luck. This poem has a lot of potential, and I'm not just saying that for saying it; it's truly meant.